I spent decades pouring from a cup that was never refilled. When it ran dry, I had to choose myself. That choice saved my life.

This is Part 2 in my series on grief, loss, and renewal. Read Part 1: Winter Death and Spring Renewal.

My Journey Through Burnout, Boundaries, and Biblical Restoration

Winter Broke Me

I came to the end of myself during a very hard winter season of grief and burnout. I was bone dry, unable to pour out anything else for anyone else. After decades of doing what I was told for the benefit of others who never fully reciprocated, I had nothing left. Breadcrumbs and future-faking had kept me tethered to relationships that drained more than they sustained. I had gone way above and beyond what was asked of me, anticipating the needs of everyone else, doing more for them than I was even doing for myself.

I spent a lot of time worried about others, caring more about their lives and their futures than they cared for their own selves. And then one day, I simply couldn’t anymore.

Recognizing the Sabotage of Exhaustion

Looking back over my life, I recognize all the times the enemy of my soul tried to keep me under the thumb of exhaustion: too tired to do the things I really wanted to do and too mentally fried to find joy in the things I usually would find joy in.

The toxic sabotage in my life included primary caregivers, past partners, adult children, workplace managers, friends and acquaintances. Basically most of the people around me since I was born. Learning to understand codependency helped me see how I became surrounded by so many people like this, and how I kept the cycle going by continuing to over-function while they under-functioned.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:6 NIV

I was deluded in thinking that if I just gave enough, loved enough, served enough, it would eventually be reciprocated. But Matthew reminds us that takers and toxic people are not where God calls us to invest the gifts He has given us. Burnout is not a badge of honor, but it is a warning sign that our time and energy has been going to waste with certain people and places. It’s a sign that we need to make some new choices so we can reclaim our time and allow the Lord to restore us.

Choosing to Resist Exhaustion

Resisting exhaustion means that despite how tired I feel, not just physically, but in my mind and in my soul, I’m getting into writing mode anyway. I’m sharing because I know the impact my story could have on the people God has called me to share my gifts with. People who, like me, gave until they had nothing left and then were discarded by the takers who never intended to fully reciprocate.

“You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.” Psalm 128:2 NIV

This verse hit differently once I started laboring for my own life instead of everyone else’s. For the first time, I’m eating the fruit of my labor, and it is nourishing in a way those breadcrumbs never were.

Designing Boundaries That Repel Toxicity

I have been learning how to design my life with built-in boundaries that repel people who thrive on my exhaustion and suffering. And I want to be specific about what that looks like, because I spent years reading about boundaries without knowing how to actually build them.

3 Boundary Practices To Change Your Life Today

1. Time Blocking: I stopped leaving my schedule open for others’ urgencies and emergencies. My calendar now reflects my priorities first. If someone needs me, they work around what’s already in place, not the other way around.

2. The Pause Rule: I now wait 24 hours before committing to any request. This single practice has revealed how many demands were urgent only because someone else failed to plan, intentionally or unintentionally, and how often I used to say yes simply because I couldn’t tolerate the discomfort of pausing.

3. Weekly Energy Audits: Each Sunday, I check in honestly: Did this interaction drain or fill me this week? Am I carrying someone’s responsibility that isn’t mine? Where did I override my own needs? This keeps me accountable to myself rather than to everyone else’s expectations.

Bonus Practice: Practice saying “No.” It is a full sentence in most languages.

When the Pushback Comes

Spoiler Alert: other people who benefit from you having no boundaries panic when you finally do.

People who could once dominate my time, attention, and money cannot anymore. Those who pushed my buttons and intentionally triggered me emotionally have lost access to those buttons. Anyone who got joy from watching my pain and suffering is now watching me free, full of joy, and living out my happiness daily.

And that has them infuriated. And that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” Psalm 23:5 NIV

God didn’t wait for my enemies to disappear before blessing me. He prepared the table in their presence. My freedom isn’t contingent on their approval or their absence. My cup overflows whether they like it or not.

“No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord.” Isaiah 54:17 NIV

Every guilt trip, every accusation, every attempt to shame me back into the old dynamic, that is a weapon. And it will not prevail. It does not work on me anymore.

What I Lost and What I Gained

Setting boundaries does involve real loss. I lost relationships I had invested my whole life into. I lost the familiar rhythm of over-functioning. I lost the identity of being “the one who always shows up”, of being “the strong one” or “the rock”, for others who disappeared when I needed support. I lost the pattern of self-abandonment that I learned even since I was a young child.

True Story: in a very dangerous work situation, all of my co-workers literally disappeared and left me to address the matter completely on my own. Everyone came back after things were resolved and patted me on the back for a job well done. What similar stories can you tell from your own life?

But here is what I gained: me. I am the strong one showing up for myself now. I pat myself on the back and hug myself now for taking care of me with true self-care and self-love. A spa day is not real self love. Showing up for me is.

And that is not a trade I would reverse for anything.

Repayment for the Years the Locusts Have Eaten

The scripture that resonates most deeply with my entire journey comes from Joel 2:23-27:

Be glad, people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains because he is faithful. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten, the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.”

I have often felt ashamed of all I’ve been through in my relationships, the years I gave away to people who did not care about me, the seasons I surrendered to someone else’s self-serving agenda, and the moments I chose their comfort over my own wants and needs. But now I can sing and shout with joy:

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.” Psalm 30:11-12 NIV

Never again will I be shamed into silence. Never again will I shrink so someone else feels bigger. Never again will I believe the lie that my needs do not matter as much as someone else’s.

If You’re Still in Your Winter Season

If you’re reading this and you’re still bone dry, still pouring love into people who give you crumbs, still wondering if you’ll ever feel like yourself again—here is what I wish someone had told me:

Your exhaustion and burnout are important and urgent. You are exhausted because you have been solving everyone else’s problems at the expense of your own survival. And this is urgent because of the impact it is having on your physical and mental well-being.

URGENT BURNOUT SELF-CHECK

Pause and give yourself time to consider this. Be honest without self-judgment.

What was your blood pressure or blood sugar level at last check? When was your last annual physical?

How many days a week do you struggle to get out of the bed or to shower? Are you brushing your teeth and flossing regularly?

When was the last time you went out with friends or took a vacation?

Who in your life that truly loves you has noticed some signs of burnout in you and expressed their concern for you?

Why should you pay more attention for signs of burnout?

The locust years do end. God repays. But you have to participate in your own restoration by doing the thing manipulative people and systems taught you was selfish: choosing your own rest, health, and well-being.

Let go of the delusional, magical thinking: No one is coming to save you.

Save yourself.

Your freedom is worth the temporary fury of people (and systems) who lost their access to you. Your joy is worth the uncomfortable work of boundaries. Your story is worth telling, even when you’re tired, even when you’d rather stay silent out of fear of others’ reactions.

Stand up, speak up, and show up for yourself.

Start where you are. Block your time. Pause before you commit. Audit your energy weekly. Say no quickly. And watch what God does with the space you reclaim for yourself at the top of your list of priorities.

Reflection Questions for Your Own Journey

If you’re walking a similar path down the road of burnout, or mentoring someone else, sit with these questions honestly and without judgment:

Where in my life am I currently pouring from an empty cup? Honestly name specific areas where you know you are not thriving, without judging yourself.
Who in my circle benefits from my exhaustion and burnout? This is a hard question. Sit with it honestly, without judging others.
What boundary have I been avoiding creating (or enforcing) because I fear the pushback? What would change if you boldly implemented it this week? [Note that boundaries could be something you should do, should not do, or should stop doing.]
Am I laboring to eat my own fruit or someone else’s? Read Psalm 128:2 again. What would your own blessings and prosperity look like when you are focused on improving your own life, instead of worrying so much about others?
What would “repayment for the locust years” look like in my life? Dream specifically. God restores with specificity. Consider the story in the Holy Bible’s book of Job and read it (or listen to it) to the end.

If you want support with working through your burnout, request a coaching session by completing my form on the coaching registration page.

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Psalm91Woman is a coach and mentor helping survivors of grief, trauma, and loss walk paths of renewal, restoration, and reclamation.